im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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