I wanna passion pit in your ass
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
