Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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