my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
