Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
