You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
