I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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