i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
