You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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