I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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