so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
