I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
