You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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