I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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