My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
