WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
