oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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