Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
