Umm I'm too high to move.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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