I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
