the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
