We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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