Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
