just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
