i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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