you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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