it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
