No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
