I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Found the puke drawer
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
