I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
