New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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