you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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