Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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