wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
