can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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