I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
