I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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