Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
