There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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