Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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