I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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