i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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