I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
