He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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