i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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