Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize