i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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