I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
