dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I will be naked everywhere
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize