Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
