Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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