i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
