My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
