it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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