shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
