Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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