So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
